There are very few people who live solely for themselves. Often times family, friends, and associates come into our lives and become part of the tapestry that enriches our essence.

When you have a loved one who is elder (over sixty-five by definition) you may become more aware of the individual’s vulnerability and mortality with each encounter. They too are aware of this. Yet, in the time you get to register this information and process it a little bit, you are pulled to your work, home, children, and other routine responsibilities that strain your daily existence. If you look around, you are not alone. You are part of a new sandwich generation; taking care of older adults and younger adults simultaneously.

Concern about you loved ones demonstrates your connection with them. Your loyalty, spirituality and belief that they are important and an integral color in your tapestry of life guides your responses. You must always remember that they have given you much when you were not cognizant of their effort and guidance, and indeed most likely walked away without acknowledgement, much the way your children may be responding to your same efforts towards them. However, you want to protect, care, love, and connect with your elder loved one, yet you feel helpless. Why?

Older adults have often made wonderful contributions to your memory and that of their community over the years. They only seek acknowledgement and quality of life, by their own definition. They do want to be told what to do, how to do something, or when to do something. They dislike going to doctors, taking medications, and vitamins. They want their life simple, social on their terms, and quiet. Whether they are cognitive or entering a phase of dementia, they react and respond with feelings and emotions as real as your own.

Although they appear to accept limitations, they often feel devalued, and get depressed when we take their car away for their safety, remove throw rugs from their home, and lower their bed to prevent a fall.. We ask them to live with us, or move to another facility where they can ‘socialize’ and be watched 24/7; so we can experience some relief that someone else is also watching out for them. All of this is devastating for the one you are trying to protect and exhausting for you. It is humiliating for them, and frustrating for you.

You as a caregiver try your best, and they fight you. You may win, but they get angry and more reclusive. They want to be heard and do things, ‘their way’, and you are torn.   What do you do? What do you feel? Who do you talk with about you and your emotional issues regarding your parent or loved one?

This is a conundrum for everyone. You are not alone. What you do and how you respond makes all the difference in the world to the quality and integrity of yourself, your family, and your loved one.  Listen with your heart, observe behaviors and try to understand what the individual is trying to communicate to you without words or rationale, and watch for signs of happiness or sadness. Depression can kill a person by destroying their will to live, and quality of life. You must believe that the older person knows who they are and what they want at this time of their aging life.

Try to let them live the way they want, strategize ways to monitor without suffocating them, and see if doctor’s appointments can be limited. Be sure there is food and water, cleanliness, and access for emergency personnel should they be needed. Visit and socialize, turn your phone off and forget looking at the clock, this is your special time with them.

Plan an outing or activity together.  Take time to ask about their life in the time before your existence, and what they enjoyed and recall as highlights of their day. Take note of it. Write it down, or encourage them to write it down. Make a date before you leave them. Trust them and return soon. Hug them before you leave to move on to address other needs in your life. Don’t forget to say I love you. Today is good day and end your visit with a good word and emotion.  They may remember your visit, or may not. But you will. Don’t set yourself up for more angst.

Next time you visit, the situation may be changed, and you may need more assistance to get through it. A crisis may exist. Always try to recall your memory of your loved one being happy and content where they defined their quality of life—not you, their doctor, their counsel, or friends. Just as they wanted it to be,  with your support and understanding.